I believe one of the most devastating conversations I had once I filed for divorce was having to sit down with my then 9 year and explain to him that mommy and daddy were getting a divorce.
This was the most gut-wrenching conversation that I have ever had to have because I was very aware that I would be a contributing factor to breaking my own baby’s heart. I felt like a complete failure. We are given the task to take care of and nurture these babies and here I was about to have this super ginormous conversation with him.
I had multiple conversations with myself in the car and even practiced how my voice would sound because somehow, I thought that the softer my voice was, perhaps the softer the blow would be that would change his world forever.
I started off by saying that Mommy and Daddy had a goal together to make sure that he was happy and comfortable, and did he understand - he said he did. I then told him that I had to tell him something that was going to be upsetting, but he could ask any questions he had, and he could say anything he needed me to know. I begin to tell him that his dad and I would no longer be husband and wife. I told him that sometimes things between big adults can go ways we don’t necessarily plan. I said we were getting a divorce and that meant that he would no longer be in the same house with mommy and daddy. I said we would live in separate places, but his dad would never be too far away and he could absolutely see him anytime he wanted.
There were silent tears of a little boy taking in this big information, it was like he was trying to be brave for me and I told him he didn’t have to be brave- if he wanted to cry or he felt scared that he could tell me. He asked “do you think you and dad will get back together?” and I told him, baby I have to tell you the truth because I don’t ever want you to be confused about this. I told him that I would never get back together with his dad, but we were going to work together to make sure he was always comfortable, that he would stay in his same school and that besides this divorce we would do our best so not much would change. It was important to me that with this huge change - most everything in his world would stay the same.
I lost a little piece of me that day in addition to what I had already lost, I was responsible for hurting my son, not intentionally, but I felt then and there that I had failed him in a major way. After all of the heavy talk and puffy faces drenched with tears, I decided to turn this sad moment into one a lesser of a sad moment. We went on a date and ate good food, our favorite past time and then we had ice-cream to top it off. Two years later post-divorce, my boy is doing ok! he is thriving academically as he stays on the honors list, and he is on the basketball team at school. He is a little socialite!! He has a great head on his shoulders, and we frequently have in-depth conversations about life just to check in.
I’m super proud of his resilience and the courage it took for me not to just one day pop-up and say everything was over - I wanted to allow him his own process in this divorce journey - I felt deeply I owed that to him
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